Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day...

Tuesday, October 4, 2022

It's too easy to frame someone for online cheating

Let's start with the facts regarding Hans Niemann and

  • Hans beats Magnus OTB September 4th, 2022
  • Magnus withdraws from the Sinquefield Cup the next day
  • bans Hans the same day of Carlsen's withdrawal privately and without reason
  • Hans rats out on live TV for banning him the prior day without cause or reason
This puts into damage control mode because they can't look like they banned a player on their platform for playing a game that did not involve whatsoever.

Three fucking days later on September 8th, 2022, Danny Rensch sends out the following statement:
"We have shared detailed evidence with Hans concerning our decision, including information that contradicts his statements regarding the amount and seriousness of his cheating on"

For the record, Hans detailed three days prior on live TV that he had cheated once when he was 12 and again several times when he was 16. He got caught cheating when he was 16. Hans is now 19 years old.

It is also important to remember that this "detailed evidence" Danny spoke of was never released publicly.

Two and a half weeks go by, and on September 26th 2022 Eric the CEO of says him and Danny have been working nonstop the whole time on gathering evidence against Hans. So what the fuck happened to the "detailed evidence" they spoke of on September 8th? Wasn't that good enough to ban Hans from on September 5th 2022? Why didn't they just release that information on the 8th? It should have been sufficient to back up their claims Hans cheated more than he said he did, and more recently as well.

Now it is October 4th 2022 and it has taken Danny and Eric an entire fucking month to come up with some homemade Amish bullshit against Hans. In fact, even though the Amish are technologically challenged, they could have fabricated evidence much faster than Danny and Eric did.

You know what the best parts about their "report" are?

  1. Hans cheated a nice round number of 100 times over a 5 year period
  2. Hans cheated in Titled Tuesday events which have prize money, but he never won the God damn events
  3. The last time says Hans cheated on their platform was August of 2020, over two fucking years ago
Now Danny and Eric, where is all the fucking evidence Hans has cheated on or around September 5th 2022 on which is the day he was banned a second time? IT DOESN'T EXIST BECAUSE HANS NIEMANN WOULD HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON CHESS.COM AFTER GETTING CAUGHT THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE HE *KNOWS* HE WILL GET CAUGHT AGAIN!!!!!! Danny and Eric, in their quest to cover their own asses for banning Hans after he beat their *business partner* Magnus Carlsen Over-the-fucking-board in Saint Louis, comes out with a report about his cheating years ago that he had already been banned for once! AND THIS IS EVIDENCE WHY HANS WAS BANNED AGAIN?!?!?!?!?! Checkmate motherfuckers!

Next time you present evidence on why a player has been banned on your website Danny and Eric, HAVE SOME FUCKING EVIDENCE FOR IT!!!! I would have just taken games from other players that were confirmed cheaters on and copied them to Hans' game history, replacing the actual cheater's username with Hans' username. In an hour I can copy hundreds, or even thousands, of cheaters' games into Hans' account. And Hans can't deny he played those games because he doesn't remember every game he has played on The October 4th 2022 report says Hans agrees to the report's findings about his level of cheating over two years ago, which is the only thing he can do when presented with fabricated evidence.

So now that the report is finally out, it begs several questions:
  1. Why is Hans Niemann being banned TWICE on for the same fucking evidence which is at best TWO FUCKING YEARS OLD
  2. Your fucking report still does not answer why Hans was banned the day after he beats Magnus in the 2022 Sinquefield Cup, an Over-the-Board tournament THAT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH CHESS.COM
  3. Why did you ban Hans FIRST then take a fucking month to LITERALLY FIND NO EVIDENCE TO BAN HIM?
Again checkmate motherfuckers. Danny and Eric lost twice in the same blog post. Well done.

Sunday, May 8, 2022

A Letter to Vladimir Putin

I don't know why the fuck you are in Ukraine. I really don't. First of all, both Russia and Ukraine are a part of the Commonwealth of Independent States. That's like Texas invading New Mexico (I shouldn't give Greg Abbot any ideas). Makes no sense at all.

Are you really afraid of Ukraine joining NATO? So much so you will invade Ukraine now while they are not a part of NATO? That makes no sense at all, either. Primarily because NATO exists as a balance of military power against you, and all you did by invading Ukraine is justify NATO's existence.

I don't believe for one nanosecond this is about the acquisition of land. That is fucking bullshit. Russia is already the largest country in the world by land area, you don't need any more. Trying to annex part of eastern Ukraine makes no sense at all. You don't fucking need it. Russia only has 150,000,000 people in the largest country on Earth. There's plenty of room for everybody in Russia already.

Is this invasion about economics? Is that what Crimea was about? Is Russia so bad off economically that you need to take Ukraine's cities and land for your own? Is an eastern Ukraine that's been blown to hell by your military really better than what you already have in Russia? If so, things must be exceptionally poor for those living in Russia right now.

Is this about power? Are you pissed off America and Europe have as much economic and political power as they do? Have we been stepping on your toes in some way, besides NATO, that I'm not aware of? Do you want Russia to have more power globally than it already has? Invading Ukraine doesn't give you more power. Sure, you get to exercise the power you already have against Ukraine, but you see just as well as I do that the invasion has only isolated you from the global community instead of strengthening your place in the world.

Listen, this shit is not complicated. America has as much wealth and power as we do because we a) know how to move money b) work hard for what we have c) invest in ourselves and d) trade instead of invade with others. For example, many people in America love avocados. Avocados are grown in Mexico. You don't see us invading Mexico and taking over their avocado farms. We buy that shit from them and pay for it to be hauled north. Whatever the fuck you want from Ukraine economically, trade for it God damnit.

Is America perfect? No, not even close. I'm not perfect, you're definitely not perfect. Nobody's perfect. So again, outside of NATO I don't know what else you have a problem with us. All I know is up until you invaded Ukraine, I didn't have a problem with Russia personally. Now you are playing around like it's 1939 again doing your best Adolf Hitler impression, and with that I most definitely have a problem.

War is not going to solve any of the problems you have, whether they be internal or external to Russia. You need to be a better leader and fix whatever problems there are internal to Russia first. And then magically you will find external problems either fixed or much easier to fix than before.

Just do yourself a favor and recall your military from Ukraine before you double down and escalate the war even further. You don't belong in Ukraine for any reason whatsoever, they did nothing to provoke you.

Sunday, August 15, 2021

Four Regions FTW

In this crazy time of college conference realignment, I would like to share something I came up with over four years ago. The idea is simple, group eighty colleges into four regions North, South, East, and West, with each region having two divisions of ten teams each.


  • Group college football teams by geographic location into regions
  • Encourage playing teams outside your region
  • Select eight teams for CFP by results on the field instead of a committee
  • Have fun on Mayhem week

Regular Season Schedule

Each team has the following schedule:

  • 3 "preseason" games, can be any team outside your own region
  • 5 intra-divisional games
    • Always play one intra-divisional team every year while rotating the other eight teams in two groups of four
  • 3 games from the other division within your region
  • 1 college football "Mayhem" game where nobody knows who they're playing until the Sunday morning after the seventh game is in the books. You only know ahead of time whether you will play at home or away on Mayhem week, and you will never play another team in your region this week

Playoff Schedule

Division Elimination Round

  • Top team from each division goes to the Division Elimination round (that's eight teams total)
  • Select four #1 seeds placed into one bucket and the #2 seeds into another bucket
  • Randomly select a #1 and a #2 seed to play one another
    • The seeds cannot be from the same region
    • They cannot have played each other during the regular season (this rule can be broken if there is no other way to schedule teams)
    • The #2 team goes to play at the #1 team's home turf
      • This could mean using a substitute venue at the option of the #1 seed. For instance if Texas and Colorado play each other and Colorado is the #1 seed, then they could play at Mile High Stadium instead of CU's stadium

Bowl Elimination Round

  • The remaining four teams play at two of the bowl sites just like they do now for the College Football Playoff
  • The National Championship game is between the two winners of the Bowl Elimination round

Possible Region Selections

Selecting the regions is relatively easy, whereas selecting the divisions within each region can be a challenge. Especially the East region who is heavily weighted with teams in the Southern part of the U.S. There would need to be some teams in that area actually be in the North division of the East region.

North Region

  • Cincinnati
  • Illinois
  • Indiana
  • Iowa
  • Iowa State
  • Kansas
  • Kansas State
  • Maryland
  • Michigan
  • Michigan State
  • Minnesota
  • Missouri
  • Nebraska
  • Northwestern
  • Notre Dame
  • Ohio State
  • Penn State
  • Purdue
  • West Virginia
  • Wisconsin

South Region

  • Alabama
  • Arkansas
  • Auburn
  • Baylor
  • Georgia
  • Houston
  • Kentucky
  • LSU
  • Louisville
  • Memphis
  • Mississippi
  • Mississippi State
  • Oklahoma
  • Oklahoma State
  • Tennessee
  • TCU
  • Texas
  • Texas A&M
  • Texas Tech
  • Vanderbilt

East Region

  • Boston College
  • UCF
  • Clemson
  • Duke
  • East Carolina
  • Florida
  • Florida State
  • Georgia Tech
  • Miami
  • North Carolina
  • North Carolina State
  • Pittsburgh
  • Rutgers
  • South Carolina
  • South Florida
  • Syracuse
  • Temple
  • Virginia
  • Virginia Tech
  • Wake Forest

West Region

  • Arizona
  • Arizona State
  • Boise State
  • BYU
  • Cal
  • UCLA
  • Colorado
  • Colorado State
  • Hawaii
  • UNLV
  • New Mexico
  • Oregon
  • Oregon State
  • San Diego State
  • USC
  • Stanford
  • Utah
  • Utah State
  • Washington
  • Washington State

Sunday, February 28, 2021

No Innocents

When I was younger, I believed most people were good by nature, only having a few flaws that overcame their better intentions from time to time.

Now that I fully understand who people really are, I can say with full confidence I made the wrong decision on Memorial Day, May 28th, 2001.

For back then I could not imagine the nuclear annihilation of so many innocent people just because I prevented 9/11. The problem I have come to understand is that there are no innocent people, save for myself and myself alone.

At every impasse, for every test I have done the right thing. And how do I get repaid? In the betrayal of those who see life as a game to be played on the burden of others. Not even the military gives me the respect I have earned and rightly deserve as their lives only exist because of the decisions *I* have made. And yet they pretend the world is going to end if they set the wrongs right and untarnish my name in the collective minds of the populace.

I honestly don't know what motivates people to do what they do. I am unburdened by the defects they were born with inside their minds. I only know what to do at all times to be the right thing, and that is why I admit now to doing the wrong thing. I should have prevented 9/11 just so this entire place would get lit up, for there is only one innocent on planet Earth, and he does not belong with the rest who were given behavioral defects that do not deserve to exist.

There is supposedly a war coming, although I doubt they have the guts to declare it. Always an excuse to why they cannot move forward. My chief concern now will not be those who took over my mind and body with the full intention of doing so to everyone and thereby take over the world. Those people will find death not far behind their ambitions. Nay, I am far more concerned about those who deserve death for the mental defects they possess, and yet will remain alive once the war is over.

Nuclear annihilation turns out to be the only option to ensure everyone who deserves death will find it. It was my mistake to not have learned this lesson twenty years ago, ergo the right course of action would have been followed.

Saturday, November 28, 2020

An Incentive-Based Pay Structure for UT Longhorns Football Coaches

The Problem

The problem with the University of Texas Longhorns football program is very simple -- no accountability for the coaches to win games. To put simply, the head coach and assistant coaches are paid like they win the National Championship every year without having any incentive whatsoever to win a National Championship.

Let alone a Big XII Championship.

Let alone beat our most hated rival OU.

Let alone win regular season football games.

The Solution

The solution is also very simple -- you get paid for performance. It is that simple. The better you do, the more you get paid.

Let's take Tom Herman's $6 million dollar per year contract as an example of what an incentive-based pay structure would look like for the head coach of the Texas Longhorns:
Description Incentive Amount
Base Salary N/A $2,400,000
Big XII Championship 25% $3,000,000
Make National Championship Game 33.3333% $4,000,000
Win National Championship Game 50% $6,000,000

Regular Season Incentives

If the Texas Longhorns cannot beat the OU Sooners, they're not going to win a Big XII Championship. OU has won the overwhelming majority of Big XII Championships since 2000, mainly because they have beaten Texas almost every year since then.

Therefore, Regular Season incentives need to be installed that are geared towards reducing the base salary depending on how poorly the coach does his job during the season. If you're going to coach the Texas Longhorns like a high school football coach, then you get paid like a high school football coach. (Actually, I have seen better coaching at the high school level than at Texas for the past twenty years)
Description Penalty Amount
Lose to OU 25% -$600,000
Lose to Conference Opponent 10% -$240,000
Lose to Non-Conference Opponent 5% -$120,000

Minimum Pay

If the team has a particularly bad year, the minimum salary for the head coach is $120,000.

Salary Reinstatement

If the team wins the Big XII Championship, the full amount of the base salary for the head coach is reinstated plus the 25% incentive bonus.

Bowl Game Incentive

If the team makes and wins a bowl game (other than the CFP), the head coach makes a 25% incentive bonus on top of whatever his base salary ends up being depending on the performance of the team during the regular season.

Player Development Incentives

The Texas Longhorns have done less with more talent than any other team in college football since Mack Brown was the head coach. Needless to say, player development has historically not been a high priority for two decades now.

To fix this, there needs to be bonuses for the coaches to develop the talent while they are at Texas and make sure they get to be in a position to be drafted into the NFL.
Description Bonus Amount
Head Coach Per Draft Pick $250,000
Strength & Conditioning Coach Per Draft Pick $100,000
Offensive Coordinator Per Offensive Pick $125,000
Defensive Coordinator Per Defensive Pick $125,000
Position Coach Per Player Pick $50,000


It is important to note the same structure applies to assistant coaches at pro-rated rates for their respective positions within the coaching organization.

The University of Texas has way too much money to throw around to not have an incentive-based pay structure for football coaches. Otherwise, fans can expect more of the same mediocrity since the coaches now get paid the same whether or not they win football games, conference championships, and ultimately national championships.

Sunday, November 1, 2020

A Monolithic and Ruthless Conspiracy

"The very word "secrecy" is repugnant in a free and open society; and we are as a people inherently and historically opposed to secret societies, to secret oaths and secret proceedings. We decided long ago that the dangers of excessive and unwarranted concealment of pertinent facts far outweighed the dangers which are cited to justify it. Even today, there is little value in opposing the threat of a closed society by imitating its arbitrary restrictions. Even today, there is little value in insuring the survival of our nation if our traditions do not survive with it. And there is very grave danger that an announced need for increased security will be seized upon those anxious to expand its meaning to the very limits of official censorship and concealment. That I do not intend to permit to the extent that it is in my control. And no official of my Administration, whether his rank is high or low, civilian or military, should interpret my words here tonight as an excuse to censor the news, to stifle dissent, to cover up our mistakes or to withhold from the press and the public the facts they deserve to know."

"For we are opposed around the world by a monolithic and ruthless conspiracy that relies on covert means for expanding its sphere of influence--on infiltration instead of invasion, on subversion instead of elections, on intimidation instead of free choice, on guerrillas by night instead of armies by day. It is a system which has conscripted vast human and material resources into the building of a tightly knit, highly efficient machine that combines military, diplomatic, intelligence, economic, scientific and political operations.

Its preparations are concealed, not published. Its mistakes are buried not headlined. Its dissenters are silenced, not praised. No expenditure is questioned, no rumor is printed, no secret is revealed."

"No President should fear public scrutinity of his program. For from that scrutiny comes understanding; and from that understanding comes support or opposition. And both are necessary. I am not asking your newspapers to support the Administration, but I am asking your help in the tremendous task of informing and alerting the American people. For I have complete confidence in the response and dedication of our citizens whenever they are fully informed.

I not only could not stifle controversy among your readers-- I welcome it. This Administration intends to be candid about its errors; for as a wise man once said: "An error does not become a mistake until you refuse to correct it." We intend to accept full responsibility for our errors; and we expect you to point them out when we miss them.

Without debate, without criticism, no Administration and no country can succeed-- and no republic can survive. That is why the Athenian lawmaker Solon decreed it a crime for any citizen to shrink from controversy. And that is why our press was protected by the First (emphasized) Amendment-- the only business in America specifically protected by the Constitution-- not primarily to amuse and entertain, not to emphasize the trivial and sentimental, not to simply "give the public what it wants"--but to inform, to arouse, to reflect, to state our dangers and our opportunities, to indicate our crises and our choices, to lead, mold educate and sometimes even anger public opinion.

This means greater coverage and analysis of international news-- for it is no longer far away and foreign but close at hand and local. It means greater attention to improved understanding of the news as well as improved transmission. And it means, finally, that government at all levels, must meet its obligation to provide you with the fullest possible information outside the narrowest limits of national security...

"And so it is to the printing press--to the recorder of mans deeds, the keeper of his conscience, the courier of his news-- that we look for strength and assistance, confident that with your help man will be what he was born to be: free and independent."

-- John F. Kennedy, 1961

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

The FEUture

This is how fucking stupid:
  1. The European parliament is
  2. The European parliament believes its citizens are
Call Center: "Hello, this is XYZ from I'm Not Going to Take Responsibility for What I am About to Tell You, Inc.  How can I help you today?"

Customer: "Yes, I tried posting a meme today to your Open Freedom Access For All - Titanium Platinum Level Member - you know the €1,995/year Concierge tier"

Call Center: "Yes. How can I help you?"

Customer: "Well for some reason my meme was never posted and made public"

Call Center: "Are you familiar with EU Article #13?"

Customer: "Yes I am"

Call Center: "Then I shouldn't have to explain to you that your meme was blocked by our copyright filters as mandated by EU Article #13"

Customer: "But my meme is my own original work of art"

Call Center: "Impossible. Our copyright filters are perfect and can detect even the slightest copyright violation in an otherwise original work"

Customer: "What in the hell did I violate?"

Call Center: "Can you hold on for just a couple minutes while I look into this further?"

Customer: "Yes of course"

Two Minutes Later...

Call Center: "Still there?"

Customer: "Yes"

Call Center: "Ok. Unfortunately our records indicate you violated a copyright of a photo of one of Jean De Paris' paintings"

Customer: "How is that even possible?"

Call Center: "A private global equity hedge fund bought a photo of the painting, copyrighted it, and then the EU fined our I Don't Give a Shit, Inc €1.5 billion in a prior copyright violation case"

Customer: ...

Call Center: "Are you still there?"

Customer: "Which Jean De Paris painting did I violate?"

Call Center: "Anne of Brittany"

Customer: "You mean this one?"

Call Center: "Yes that's the one"

Customer: "Then tell me how the fuck I violated that copyright with this"